by mr dan
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It’s well-documented that chapter one of Genesis tells a tale of creation, and chapter two tells a contradictory version. Equally well-documented is the Judeo-Christian rebuttal to this contradiction: “Nuh uh.” But one thing that often gets overlooked in this creationist kerfuffle is just what a colossal screw-up chapter two makes God out to be.
In chapter one, as you may know, God creates the heavens and the earth, then vegetation, then the sun, moon and stars, then animals, and finally a pair of humans: man and woman. And God is pretty damn impressed with Himself.
Then, for reasons that only Christians and Jews will pretend to understand, chapter two starts with a lifeless earth which is, for some reason, both completely covered in water and somehow dusty. God makes a man out of this dust, then plants a garden in Eden and places the man there.
Then God says, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” So God creates all the animals of the earth, but doesn’t find an acceptable helper among them. And so God steals Adam’s rib and makes a woman out of it.
While many people point out the obvious — that the sequence of events in these two chapters are incongruously incompatible — my more pressing question is, “How the hell was Adam supposed to mate with a centipede???”
In what was surely a long and frustrating process, the Almighty tried to create a servant and mate for Adam. Doesn’t this logically mean that God must have created the giraffe, and said, “Nah, that’s no good,” so he made the squirrel, and said, “No, that ain’t gonna do it,” and then made the amoeba and the pterodactyl and the sperm whale and said, “You know, I think we’re just really on the wrong track here.”
According to Genesis chapter two, every species of non-human animal on this planet was a prototype of a potential helper for man. Do you have any idea how many animals that would have been? Did you know that there are over one million species of beetles? It’s very difficult to get an estimate of just how many species of life there are on this planet, but the best guesses range from tens to hundreds of millions, and every one of those species of animals represents God’s failure as a designer.
And then, when God was almost out of clay, He had an amazing revelation. He said, “Instead of trying to come up with radically new and impractical designs for my helper, what if I make it almost exactly the same as the original, but just change the bits down there and make it smell nicer?”
And woman was born.
Engineers and inventors and designers can’t be perfect. The guy who made WD-40 was unsuccessful 39 times. But how can any being with unlimited power, unlimited intellect and a full knowledge of everything that’s ever going to happen screw up millions of times? How does it make any sense to worship this bumbling lummox who thought a gnat would make an excellent helper to a human being?
And even if you can believe this insane babble, there is still another hurdle to leap over: the fact that women were created to be servants to men. That idea is incompatible with a just and moral deity, so again we find a contradiction between the way God is described and the actions He is supposed to have undertaken, and we can also blame God for all those “make me a sammich” jokes that are so far from funny.
If He were just, He would have made man and woman equal in stature, and if He were all-powerful, He could have made man self-sufficient. And if He wanted or needed to make a helper for his man, He should have known the specifications to which it must be designed, and we wouldn’t have all these reject animals crawling all over the place. But neither God nor the imperfect humans who invented Him were smart enough to think this stuff out.
mr dan is the president of CVA. The views expressed in this posting are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Connecticut Valley Atheists or its individual members.