by mr dan
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It’s well-documented that chapter one of Genesis tells a tale of creation, and chapter two tells a contradictory version.  Equally well-documented is the Judeo-Christian rebuttal to this contradiction: “Nuh uh.”  But one thing that often gets overlooked in this creationist kerfuffle is just what a colossal screw-up chapter two makes God out to be.

In chapter one, as you may know, God creates the heavens and the earth, then vegetation, then the sun, moon and stars, then animals, and finally a pair of humans: man and woman.  And God is pretty damn impressed with Himself.

Then, for reasons that only Christians and Jews will pretend to understand, chapter two starts with a lifeless earth which is, for some reason, both completely covered in water and somehow dusty.  God makes a man out of this dust, then plants a garden in Eden and places the man there.

Then God says, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” So God creates all the animals of the earth, but doesn’t find an acceptable helper among them.  And so God steals Adam’s rib and makes a woman out of it.

While many people point out the obvious — that the sequence of events in these two chapters are incongruously incompatible — my more pressing question is, “How the hell was Adam supposed to mate with a centipede???”

In what was surely a long and frustrating process, the Almighty tried to create a servant and mate for Adam.  Doesn’t this logically mean that God must have created the giraffe, and said, “Nah, that’s no good,” so he made the squirrel, and said, “No, that ain’t gonna do it,” and then made the amoeba and the pterodactyl and the sperm whale and said, “You know, I think we’re just really on the wrong track here.”

According to Genesis chapter two, every species of non-human animal on this planet was a prototype of a potential helper for man.  Do you have any idea how many animals that would have been?  Did you know that there are over one million species of beetles?  It’s very difficult to get an estimate of just how many species of life there are on this planet, but the best guesses range from tens to hundreds of millions, and every one of those species of animals represents God’s failure as a designer.

And then, when God was almost out of clay, He had an amazing revelation.  He said, “Instead of trying to come up with radically new and impractical designs for my helper, what if I make it almost exactly the same as the original, but just change the bits down there and make it smell nicer?”

And woman was born.

Engineers and inventors and designers can’t be perfect.  The guy who made WD-40 was unsuccessful 39 times.  But how can any being with unlimited power, unlimited intellect and a full knowledge of everything that’s ever going to happen screw up millions of times? How does it make any sense to worship this bumbling lummox who thought a gnat would make an excellent helper to a human being?

And even if you can believe this insane babble, there is still another hurdle to leap over: the fact that women were created to be servants to men.  That idea is incompatible with a just and moral deity, so again we find a contradiction between the way God is described and the actions He is supposed to have undertaken, and we can also blame God for all those “make me a sammich” jokes that are so far from funny.

If He were just, He would have made man and woman equal in stature, and if He were all-powerful, He could have made man self-sufficient.  And if He wanted or needed to make a helper for his man, He should have known the specifications to which it must be designed, and we wouldn’t have all these reject animals crawling all over the place.  But neither God nor the imperfect humans who invented Him were smart enough to think this stuff out.

mr dan is the president of CVA. The views expressed in this posting are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Connecticut Valley Atheists or its individual members.

by mr dan
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I get a lot of questions about atheism.  Most of them are uninteresting and illogical and drenched in ignorance.  “Why do you guys worship Satan?” (We don’t.) “Why do you hate God?” (We don’t.)  “Why don’t you ever pick on the Muslims?” (We do, frequently.)  “If there’s no such thing as evil, then how did Rebecca Black get a record contract?” (Okay, that one’s a mystery to me.)

One of the only interesting questions I ever hear about atheism is “If atheism is not a religion, why does it deserve First Amendment protection?  How can atheists claim to not be a religion and then demand the same rights as other religions?”

I don’t hear this question too often, because, well, it is a somewhat logical question, which puts it rather out of the realm of most religious apologists.  But those who do manage to come up with it are still clinging to a few logical fallacies.  The first is thinking that the First Amendment only guarantees freedom of religion, and the second is thinking that atheists want the same rights religions have.

Freedom of and from religion is, in my opinion, the greatest freedom that this country grants us.  But the First Amendment to the United States Constitution offers us much more; it guarantees freedom of religion, speech, press, assembly and petition.  This means federal, state and local governments cannot prohibit the practice of or abstinence from any religion; it cannot limit or confine what we say about anything, including religion or nonreligion; it cannot prevent us from writing or printing or tweeting anything about anything, including religion or nonreligion; it cannot bar the formation or meeting of religious or nonreligious groups or organizations, and you can never lose your right to make requests of your government based on your involvement or noninvolvement in a religious or nonreligious organization or your views on religion or nonreligion.

You may have noticed that this amendment is refreshingly redundant.  It could just as easily have been thrown out and replaced with “Everyone gets freedom of speech,” because all the clauses of the First Amendment are simply different ways of reminding lawmakers that they’re not allowed to limit the way we express ourselves.  But the simpler a law or an article or an amendment is, the easier it is to find a loophole in it, so the writers expanded on it and made sure everything they could think of was covered.  Of course, some limits to free speech have to apply in order for us to all live together.  You can’t yell “fire” in a crowded theater if there is no fire, and you don’t have the freedom to make death threats, and you most certainly can’t say XXXX XXXXXXXX XX X XXXXXX XXXXXX XXXX XXXXXXXXX XXX XXX XXXX XXXXX, but other than that you really can say anything you want.  And if you can say anything you want, then you have to be able think anything you think, and believe anything you believe.

Freedom of religion isn’t just the freedom to organize and believe in dogma, but also the freedom to answer any religious question any way you feel is right.  For example, “Is there a god?” is a religious question.  So is “Do we go into another realm when we die?” and “Did someone hide those dinosaur bones underground to test our faith?”  The first amendment grants us the freedom to answer any of these questions with a yes or a no, and in this way atheists, while not actually members of a religion, have the same right to answer and refute those questions for themselves without having to fear the wrath of the church or the government.

Rights are not the same as laws.  The right to bear arms is not an obligation to own a gun.  The third amendment doesn’t decree that you have to kick your son or daughter out of the house if they join the Reserves.  And every slow advance of voting rights has not made it illegal to abstain from the democratic process, though it would be nice if a few more people took an interest. The right to practice any religion we wish is the right to practice no religion at all.  The right to never be told by the government which faith we must accept is the right to never be forced to choose a faith.

So, again, there’s really nothing hypocritical or self-contradictory about atheists demanding the same rights as everyone else.  We want the same rights that all Americans have, and we want all Americans to have the same rights.  Sometimes atheists lose their jobs or their housing or are passed up for a promotion or can’t get a building permit or a license because they are open about their atheism, and that’s simply wrong.  And sometimes that happens to Muslims and Mormons, and it’s wrong then, too.  Americans think religious freedom is the right to stick the Baby Jesus on the town green, or hang the ten commandments in a courtroom or make all the public schoolchildren start their day with Christian prayer, even though that all clearly contradicts the First Amendment.  It’s not surprising that a faith which for the last 400 years on this continent has not had any legitimate threat to its supremacy would have such a mistaken notion about what freedom is.  All religions and all forms of nonreligion have and deserve the same rights – not officially recognized as superior or inferior, right or wrong, just humans having thoughts, abiding by laws, and exercising their freedoms.

mr dan is the president of CVA. The views expressed in this posting are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Connecticut Valley Atheists or its individual members.

by mr dan
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I was once, as I often am, in my local diner, having coffee with another member of Connecticut Valley Atheists.  And as we were talking, one of my friends happened to show up.  This friend is also an atheist but not a member of CVA.  So he joined us, and after introductions he asked how we knew each other.  When I said we were both in CVA, his eyes rolled and he went off on a rant about how an “atheist group” is such an oxymoron and that having meetings makes it a religion.  He said that any time you get a group of atheists together talking about atheism, that makes atheism a religion — completely missing the irony that at that very moment at that booth in that tacky neon diner were three atheists talking about atheism.

I’m sure you’ve had this happen to you.  Mention that you’re an atheist and someone will invariably say to you, “Atheism is just another religion.”   And if you’re involved in any kind of atheist group like Connecticut Valley Atheists, or you’re a member of American Atheists or the Freedom From Religion Foundation, or you’ve “liked” the Facebook page of Support Atheism or the Atheist Advocate, then they will use that as proof that you are a member of some kind of cult.

But liking Catholicism on Facebook does not make you a Catholic.   Baptism and confession and communion and tithing and a loyalty to the Pope and taking the batteries out of your vibrator for forty days in the spring — these things make you a Catholic.  Atheist organizations don’t have any rules or requirements of their members.  We don’t baptize or make you take a loyalty oath.  You don’t have to confess your sins or follow commandments.  And we encourage you to rig up an extra battery pack to all your sex toys (anything worth doing is worth doing right).

Some atheists get a sense of community from an atheist organization, but we’re not allowed to say that out loud.  The second we feel like a group, they say, we become a religion.  This also doesn’t make any sense.  You can get a sense of community from a club or a classroom or a bowling team or your workplace or a group of friends.  A chess club does not make chess a religion, even if it does have bishops.

We’re also told that it doesn’t make sense for atheists to join any kind of group at all.  The reason we are atheists, they say, is that we’re against any kind of organized structure or authority.  This pervasive Megan Kelly ignorance is simply a frantic attempt to lie away our rationality.  No, we can’t be atheists because the idea of God is unbelievable to us, it has to be because we feel an urgent need to rebel against the Man.  Seriously, not all religions have Popes and Ayatollahs.  If I believed in God but just didn’t like the structure of the church, I could join one of the cookie-cutter non-denominational Christian groups that is so liberal they let their women wear pants, or join a spiritual-but-not-religious commune where pants are optional, or star in a terrible sitcom, get two girlfriends who never wear pants and do more coke than Sherlock Holmes (or the guy who played him last).

Most atheists who are in such an organization joined because they are tired of being an invisible member of their community, of feeling like they are the only one who views the world this way.   Some joined simply to meet other atheists, some to engage in charitable works or activism, some to host educational events and encourage people to think rationally.  Some did it just because they wanted to have one place in their lives where they could go and not be told that they are freaks for not believing in magic and fairies and Santa Claus.

Yes, to answer the stupidest arguments I’ve ever heard, there are books about atheism just like there are books about chess, but there is no Atheist Bible.  There are some celebrity atheists but no recognized head or pontiff. And there are organizations whose goal is to allow atheist individuals to interact with the community, but there is no sort of hierarchy of atheism or worldwide conspiracy — there’s no Atheist Vatican.  It doesn’t resemble religion in any way.  And we are not atheists because we hate religion or organization, we’re atheists because we lack a belief in any and all deities.  And honestly, if you can’t grasp even that simple a concept, I don’t put much stock in any of your other mindless ramblings either.

mr dan is the president of CVA. The views expressed in this posting are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Connecticut Valley Atheists or its individual members.

by mr dan
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Despite the diversity of the subjects about which I write in this blog, one of the most common questions I am asked is “Why are you obsessed with the negative aspects of Christianity?  Why don’t you ever talk about the good parts of my religion?”

Well, that’s kind of like me doing a video series on healthy eating habits and being asked why I never talk about the health benefits of Twinkies. That being said, Twinkies do have a gram of protein, and not everything written in the Bible is xenophobic, genocidal, sexist, racist, homophobic, anti-intellectual, pro-slavery drivel.  There are a few passages that I can respect.

In one example, Matthew, Mark and Luke all tell us of a rich man who asks Jesus how to inherit eternal life.  Jesus answers, “Keep the commandments.”

“Which ones?” the man inquires.

Dumb question, right?  You might expect that Jesus would answer, “All of ‘em, stupid!”  But no.

“You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.”

“All these I have kept since I was a boy,” says the man.

“One thing you lack,” Jesus says. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven. Then come, follow me.”  And the rich man was very sad, because that was so not the answer he wanted to hear.

Did you notice anything wrong with that list?  Did it seem a little short? Did you recognize that a few of those are not in the Ten Commandments?  Did you notice none of them have anything to do with worshipping God?

Don’t misinterpret me here. I’m not trying to prove that Jesus was some secret atheist and there was a vast right-wing conspiracy to rewrite him as a Christian.  Remember that the man asks how to get to Heaven, not just how to be good, and Jesus does tell him that included in the deal is “following” him.  Still, it’s really interesting to note that having other gods, making idols, blaspheming, not keeping the Sabbath, coveting that which is your neighbor’s — these things don’t seem to bother Jesus much, at least not in this passage.  And there are actually 613 commandments in the Old Testament, so Jesus is missing more than just a few.

If any Christians I know had ever actually read this passage, I might think this is where they got the silly idea that Jesus throws out all the old laws, even though this is contradicted by Matthew 5:17-18 and Luke 16:17, which both say that everything in the Old Testament still stands and will stand until the end of time.  No, Christians got that idea purely from their desire to ignore the parts of the Bible they don’t like.

But regardless of the obvious theological implications of Jesus’ new partial list of commandments, they do make very good guidelines for living.  Don’t steal, don’t kill, don’t lie?  I’m right there with you.  Adultery? I can hardly think of anything worse.  Love your neighbor as you love yourself?  Well, as a rule it can’t be universally applied, but treating people with the respect you’d prefer to be treated with is an excellent principle for living.  Same goes for honoring your parents, because, well, not everyone has parents worth honoring.  Some people have abusive parents, deadbeat dads, deadbeat moms — and there is no wisdom or virtue in overlooking these despicable traits.  But putting aside these exceptions, yes, it’s a good idea to honor and praise people who may have been influential in your life or helped raise you.  And nobody should be forced to sell all their possessions and give the money to the poor, but it is a good thing to limit your extravagance and be charitable.

Of course, all of this interpretation is pointless because this is yet another of those passages that Christians just refuse to ever talk about.  So the real question, nagging Christians, isn’t why I don’t talk about the positive portions of the Bible, but why you never mention them.  Forget about Leviticus 18:22 and the part that says not to let women talk in church.  The world would be a much better place if everyone would follow these guidelines, compiled here by the authors of the New Testament but all of which predate even the Old Testament and are based on pure common sense rather than arbitrary religious tenets.   Stop asking what Jesus would do.  Start asking what you should do.

mr dan is vice president of CVA. The views expressed in this post are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Connecticut Valley Atheists or its individual members.